Twas the night before Christmas somewhere in New York Not an owner was stirring but in bed like a dork The stockings were hung underneath vaulted ceilings Empty like my heart devoid of all feelings
The players were nestled all snug in their condos Hopefully sleeping and not sexting randos And mamma in her Versace and I in my cap The Johnson s had settled down for a long winter s nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a rumble COME OUT HERE YOU FUCK FACE I could hear the man mumble. Away to the window I threw on my glasses Tore open the shutters and saw bare human asses.
The moon on the crest of a man s naked buttocks A Santa belt resting on the ground by his Chucks Then he turned and his face did appear For it was Rex sans pants with a twelve pack of beer
In a rusty old van like you see on the news His wife was driving not wearing her shoes. More rapid than the Eagles his players they came And he barked and grumbled and called them by name
Now NACHO now WINSLOW now IVORY and GENO On MANGOLD on BILAL on HOLMES even you CRO Four take the back And four rush the wall Use your vision Break away He can t shoot us all
The wheels met the pavement and the van sped away A band full of misfits was headed my way Their eyes filled with rage and nothing to lose I lost sight of their captain who d snuck off with his booze.
And then with a thud I heard on the roof The stumbling and bumbling of each drunken hoof. As I drew in my phone and dialed the cops Down the chimney St. Rex came all covered in hops.
He was dressed like Santa best I could tell But his pants were still missing and he smelled like straight hell A bottle of scotch he had flung on his back And a bundle of mistletoe was covering his sac.
His eyes how they glazed unshaven he was Several days probably he d been cultivating this buzz His mouth was ajar for he d something to say THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT WHAT ARE YOU GAY
The end of a joint fell down from his teeth And set fire to mother s prized Christmas wreath He pulled up his shirt and exposed a round belly And shook it around like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump a drunken old coot And demanded I fork over next season s loot Nay I told him A contract you ve signed If you want a buyout you ll have to resign
He spoke not a word just scratched on his head I couldn t understand how this man wasn t dead Then he gave me the finger on my dog he did spit And giving a nod said FUCK IT. I QUIT.
He sprang to his van and lined up the shooters And away they all flew down the street to a Hooters. Then a door flew open and he yelled from the back MERRY CHRISTMAS Y ALL LET S GO EAT A GODDAMN SNACK
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